The Beginning ♡

Hi Besties! So we meet again…

Buckle up. This may be a long one. Wait, no. This will be a long one but it is a story I have been dying to tell.

This story starts December 20, 2015. A day I had no idea would change my life. I sat down and watched Miss Universe for the first time in at least 10 years- only my second time I ever remember watching in my life. Olivia Jordan was captivating and she made me proud to be from the USA. She kept advancing and advancing. My family and I kept rooting for our favorites. After the final question and the last look we were split between the winner. Some family members stayed strong for USA. Some had loved Philippines since the first time they laid eyes on her. Someone else stole my heart after final question… it had to be Columbia.

It was finally time to announce the new Miss Universe.

2nd runner up is….. USA.

Dang it. Well I kinda wanted USA to win too. You always gotta cheer for the hometown girl. Well at least that means Colombia was in the Top 2. It has to be here.

Cue Steve Harvey…. In the event the winner cannot fulfill her duties the 1st runner up will take over. Good Luck to you both.

The new Miss Universe 2015 is……

Silence. Nobody in my family was speaking.

*more dramatic music*

Me: Hey wouldn’t it be funny if Steve Harvey announced the wrong name? (I was quickly shh’ed by everyone in the room.)

*even more dramatic music*

COLUMBIA!!!!

HAHAHA I told y’all it was her. I watched her recieve her flowers . The crowd cheering for her. The crown on her head. What a magical moment. I could only imagine what it would feel like. Before the show was even fully over I went to another room to grab something. It was then I heard the infamous words- Folks I have to apologize.

He announced the wrong name. Philippines was the new Miss Universe- not Colombia. I watched as the stripped her crown away with tears streaming down her face. How awful! I can’t believe that happened. I guess it wouldn’t be so funny after all? Wait how did I predict that? Do I need a lottery ticket? Wait… no I’m only 15. My heart broke for her. But at the end of the day? I was hooked.

I went to bed craving that moment. Well not the whole being humiliated in front of everyone part but the stage, the glamorous gown, the crowning moment. I wanted it so bad but there was just one problem- I didn’t look like those girls. I was 4’11 for one and far from a size 0. That couldn’t be me. So instead I just settled with the idea I would never know what that moment felt like.

And then I got a letter in the mail…..

Which is honestly how the story of 99% of NAM girls start- myself included. I’ll never forget the excitement of opening the letter to see I had been invited to an open call. National American Miss shared a message about it truly being about the girl- not what she looked like. My mind immediately went back to the night of December 20th. Maybe just maybe I would know how that moment felt. Attending the open call was a no brainer.

On a rainy Winter day I loaded my mom up (after weeks of stressing to find the perfect outfit) and drove to Mobile, AL- around an hour away. I was eager and excited. Something told me, even all those years ago, this is where I needed to be. I sat through the open call and I guess that is when the pageant bug fully bit me. I knew I had to be a part of this. I knew I had to win Miss Alabama Jr. Teen. Actually, I knew I was going to win. I interviewed to be a State Finalist and we were told it could be up to 2 weeks before we heard back. I anxiously waited by my phone for 2 days until an unknown number called.

I had been accepted as a state finalist. I feel bad for whoever it was that called. I sobbed on the phone. I was just so happy. I knew this moment would change my life. I knew it was the start of a journey I was dying to go on. And looking back now…. it was. That moment did change my life. The journey just didn’t go how I thought it would… but we will get to that later.

I called my mom with an abundance of excitement. I just couldn’t understand why she didn’t seem happy. She soon revealed to me she didn’t think they would crown a plus size girl. I knew that they would because they were going to crown me. She finally said if I could show her where another girl that looked like me had won then I could compete.

I searched and searched and searched. Just when I felt like giving up I found a state titleholder wearing that sparkly crown and beautiful red banner. I ran to show my mom and told her that “she did so I know that I can too”. Even though she was still hesitant, I finally got the green light to compete.

I watched every video about National American Miss on YouTube. I practiced daily. I even bought hot rollers from Ulta (which proved to be a disaster but… to each their own). I saved money. I fundraised. I sought out sponsors. I spent every moment I could babysitting just to have the money to go. Truthfully, I didn’t have the resources to go compete that year. Realistically I couldn’t afford it. But I knew it would be worth it because I was going to win.

Then finally it was time…

I showed up to National American Miss Alabama Jr. Teen 2016 ready. Business suit…check. Grandma shoes… check. Horribly done balayage (winners had to be “blonde” in my mind. don’t come for me)……check. No idea what I was doing…. check, check, CHECK.

Yeah… needless to say I quickly realized I didn’t know what I was doing. These weren’t girls who had just attended their first open call months ago. Seasoned Pros. It is Alabama so I don’t know where the shock came from. I mean here with the only other pageant experience being the Easter pageant I competed in “to get experience” 2 months prior. But hey… I won it, right? I mean who cares if it was only me and one other girl. I was going to win!!

Yeah… I didn’t win. In fact I didn’t even place

Truthfully though I handled the loss pretty well. I knew what to expect. I knew I needed a coach. I needed a routine. I needed to learn how to walk in heels. I decided to count the loss as a loss and decided to use the experience as a learning experience. Before we even made it home I had booked a coaching session, found a gown (a Sherri Hill I still could not afford…..), and was committed to the dream. I was going to win next year.

I will spare the details to try and make this post a little shorter. I worked even harder to take home the title. I had learned a lot but looking back… I still had ZERO idea what I was doing. I still couldn’t afford it. I still felt like no one believed in me. I started letting their doubts creep into me.

2 weeks out from NAM AL Teen 2017….

This was a turning point.

My confidence was shaky. I was going through a lot mentally. I had this boy I dated in middle school who was my best friend long before that. He was very toxic. He had put me through a lot, even as a middle schooler. I had to go through things no one at any age ever should because of him. I faced all of this at only 12/13. I learned years later my mom had to have him ordered to stay away because of it. Again, sparing the details here but it wasn’t great.

Even though our relationship was rocky, I truly just wanted my best friend back so I stuck around. Yk the one I could laugh and have fun with like we were 10 years old again. I didn’t want a romantic relationship with him. I didn’t have those feelings for him anymore- not after what he had put me through. One day he asked me to give him another chance. He was a changed man. He loved me. Blah, Blah, Blah. And I'm like this is exhausting yk? Like we are never getting back together…. like ever.

And of course I said it more polite than that but that didn’t really matter. To say he didn’t take it very well would be an understatement. I won’t repeat the things he said to me because truly they are so disgusting. I was gaslit. Talked down to. Past trauma brought back up.

After taking all of his crap he finally told me “I hate you and always will”

And even though now I wouldn’t condone saying this 16 year old Sara was quick to fire back

“Good because I hate you too :)”

Then the next day rolls around lolol

*spelling mistakes are intentional* ;)

Him: Hey I’m sorry

Him: We use to be best friends what happened to tbat

Me: I’m not ready to forget and forgive. Sorry.

Him: Do you really hate me?

Me: After the past few days, yeah kinda.

Him: Stop texting me i don’t like you

Me: It’s okay

Him: I have all ways hated you and why you then them contest your to ugly to win them

Me: That isn’t what you said yesterday. Do you think that bothers me when you don’t even have good grammar?

Him: You to fat to win

Him: I don’t want you I got a girl

Me: Surprising.

Him: Okay

Me: So goodbye.

Him: Bye dude

That jerk. I can’t believe he just said that to me. Does he realize I am literally going to win this year? Yk what… I’m going to win so I can prove that what he said wasn’t true.

And 24 year old Sara wants to give her the biggest hug right now and to tell her it was never true. She had absolutely nothing to prove to him or anyone.

But sadly 16 year old Sara didn’t have that same wisdom.

So I worked even harder the next 2 weeks. Despite what he said. Despite knowing my family didn’t believe in this dream. I was proving them wrong.

Ok we have to admit..quite the glow up between the first year to my second. Was it great? Eh. Better? Absolutely.

I was so ready. I thought I nailed the competitions. I invested everything into it. Time, money, tears.

After after 3 days of competition…. I didn’t even place.

To this day, I tear up thinking about that moment. Heck I’m tearing up as I type this. Humiliating. Soul Crushing. I will never ever forget that feeling. I held back the tears with everything in me on stage. I watched another girl not only achieve her dream but mine as well. It hurt. I’ve said it a million times- my hurt doesn’t mean she didn’t deserve it. Looking back she probably would have been who I crowned too. I probably wouldn’t have placed me either.

But that didn’t ease my hurt at all.

As soon as the finale was over I bolted to the dressing room-still holding back the tears. I didn’t want to seem like a sore loser because that isn’t what it was. I wasn’t upset because I lost. I was upset because I just received confirmation that the mean, stupid boy who had already put me through so much was right. Everything he said about me was true. I was too fat. I was too ugly. I wasn’t good enough.

I told my mama how sorry I was. I promised I would never come back. I don’t know if there is a moment in time I wanted to be invisible more than in that moment. I just wanted to disappear. I was ashamed to even show my face.

And that was it. I was done.

The last memory I had of National American Miss was tainted and it remained that way for 7 years.

But the good news is this is only part one of this story…

Love is patient. Love is kind. If you or anyone you know are struggling with a toxic or abusive relationship help is available. Call 800-799-7233 or text BEGIN to 88788. My dm’s are always open♡